After leaving office on Jan. 20, sources close to Joe Biden have confirmed that he suddenly evaporated after stepping out of the White House, only leaving a small amount of dew on the grass where he was standing. This development has flown mostly under the radar of the general public, with only top officials and those close to Biden grieving his loss.

Billionaire CEO of prominent companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Elon Musk has been considered one of the world’s smartest entrepreneurs for decades. But a recent evaluation of the aging South African-American’s mental state provides a more accurate description of Musk’s intellectual capacity. 

This Sunday night, I was walking to the Hawk Owl Cafe when my good friend, Samson the Squirrel, pulled me aside to show me his new restaurant, The Can. Located right between NMC’s Innovation Center and East Hall, Samson and his friends have served a multitude of customers. 

​

When asked why he decided to start his own restaurant, Samson informed the press, “I’ve noticed a lot of food being wasted and left right outside of this door. My friends and I used to just take it for ourselves, but I realized that there were other squirrels that needed it more than we did. From then on I decided that I was going to open a restaurant where we took the food waste and reused it to feed those in need.”

In a stunning twist of fate, Republicans have found a way to fire themselves from their own jobs. After President Donald Trump took office on Jan. 20, he quickly moved to make Elon Musk a special government employee. Musk immediately got to work, creating the illusive real but not definitely-not-real quantum Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). 

As President Donald Trump continues to strip the LGBTQ+ community of rights, resources, federal funding, and recognition, centrists have begun to argue for compromise. Northwestern Michigan College student Everett Adamin, and self-proclaimed centrist said "This country was built on compromise. Ever heard of the three-fifths compromise? That's what we should be doing." 

Seven dollars. That is how much money our very own Editor In Chief, Emma Marion, and staff writer, Eli Stallman, spent on a single can of non-alcoholic beer. Of course, my initial reaction to this was, doesn’t this defeat the purpose of beer? Who on earth drinks beer for taste unless they like to lick soap??

On March 10th, the White Pine Press received a tip from an anonymous source that NMC had been following their every move, and that it had started the day they said hi to a squirrel.

This tip led us to uncover the biggest secret the institution has been hiding since the founding of the college, the squirrel society, and their underground initiative to resist their growing power.