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COVER STORY

WHITE PINE PRESS ADVISER REVEALED TO BE SEVERAL HOLOGRAMS

He is spotted frequently wandering Scholars Hall and the Innovation Center. However, every sighting is followed by a mystery. It is almost like he vanishes out of thin air. He is everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time.

WISDOM

Writing in for Advice from Young Lad

“Dear Young Lad, I see fit to tell you that you are not a tree, and I will tell you how I came to that conclusion.

SCANDAL

The Truth Behind Campus’s Most Mysterious Figure

He is spotted frequently wandering Scholars Hall and the Innovation Center. However, every sighting is followed by a mystery. It is almost like he vanishes into of thin air. He is everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time.

PICKLE

Sea Lions, Deep State, Killer Whales, Oh My!

As darkness fell on Pier 39 on March 5, over 100 sea lions used the sounds of crisp salt water crashing into the wooden support beams to creep onto the shores of San Francisco, California. The sea creatures dispersed, waddling down the Embarcadero.

PICKLE

Traverse City Housing Market Expands Acceptable Payment Methods to Include Firstborn Children

Traverse City’s housing market may have reached a new level of innovation this week as several local landlords confirmed they are now accepting firstborn children as supplemental payment for rent.

PICKLE

Welcoming the New Tits to Campus

NMC’s latest institutional venture has managed to unite students, divide the campus, and deeply offend the college’s own mascot–all while introducing a new, controversial academic focus.

On Feb. 25, NMC informed all students in East Hall that they needed to vacate the building by March 4, so they could transform it into a large-scale bird enclosure.

PICKLE

Unknowable Artifact Discovered in Library

An obelisk was found on the third floor of the Timothy J.Nelson Innovation Center. Ava, the student who found it behind a dusty bookshelf, described being drawn to it “like an acolyte unto a God. There is a great disaster coming; you must heed my words.”

PICKLE

NMC’s Blue Economy Ambitions Get Serious

Over the past few semesters, NMC has taken steps to solidify its place in the blue economy. Initiatives and projects like the Freshwater Research and Innovation Center have become the centerpiece of NMC’s goals.

PICKLE

Where The Hell Am I Supposed to Park?

We all know that feeling. You arrive at NMC’s main campus between the hours of 10 am and 2 pm on a weekday. You are already running late, but if you could get parked as soon as you get there, you could make it to your class.

PICKLE

Swoop Tries to Organize Protest Against New NMC Birdhouse

Swoop has been a central feature of NMC for longer than students and staff can remember. Within the past month, the Halk Owl’s identity was crushed under Tits and Boobie.

REAL NEWS

We the Press

In our attempt to forge a more perfect newspaper, inform the public of the tyranny of Minnie Bardenhagen—the current Editor-in-Chief of the White Pine Press—and secure our standing as a new prospective news publication, we present the following declaration.

NMC In HISTORY

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News in Brief

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