NMC Professor Out for Blood

While Northwestern Michigan College has much to offer students, from a five-star physical education center to underground tunnels to use as transport during the freezing winter months, many students find joy in another, unexpected part of campus: the NMC squirrels. Popping in and out of trash cans and even coming up to people at times, the black squirrel population around NMC brings a smile to the faces of many students and staff across campus. 

These friendly little creatures have even garnered enough attention for their own Instagram account (@nmc_squirrels), where people frequently send in their favorite photos of squirrels across campus. The critters are often the talk of the hour, inspiring conversations about students seeing them inhabiting dumpsters outside of North Hall, or simply holding watch while perched on trash cans outside of Scholar’s Hall.

To most, they would not be considered an issue. In fact, many would argue that the presence of these squirrels provides entertainment and a refreshing change in pace to long days of classes. However, not everyone is quite as enamored with the rodents.

One humanities professor, Rod Enthater, finds them to be incessantly annoying and quite frustrating to deal with. “They’re little monsters,” he shared. “They team up with the raccoons on my property and cause mass destruction! They steal all of the acorns that I like to use for cooking, and deprive me of any sleep at night.”

This conflict with squirrels is nothing new. According to Enthater, he’s been struggling for years against the torment of the squirrels that take residence in his yard. “They’ve invaded my garage, tossed acorns at my window when I’m trying to sleep, and have dug several holes for homes in random spots across my backyard. I’ve twisted my ankle three times because of them!”

He tried baits and traps, and even set out a pretty, fake female squirrel in his next door neighbor’s backyard, theorizing that all of the squirrels on his property were just hormonal teenage boy squirrels and would be much more drawn to the presence of a lady squirrel, therefore leaving him alone. To no surprise, these attempts were unsuccessful, and Enthater was forced to turn to much more extreme options.

“Driving the trapped squirrels to some far-off location was too inconvenient, especially with gas prices,” he complained. “I just started drowning them instead.”

This sadistic demonstration method has been quite effective. The squirrels have been quiet, lying low and seeming to leave his property alone. However, one can’t help but wonder if this will soon be followed by a revolt, almost similar to that in the 2011 film Rise of Planet of the Apes.

Students worry that this practice might make its way to campus, endangering the lives of the beloved black squirrel population that lives alongside NMC students. “If he does it to the squirrels at home, what happens if he gets ahold of them here?” Nuthaniel Mousehouse shared. Another student, Ami Nalover refuses to stay quiet about the issue. “They deserve a chance too! Those squirrels are just as much a part of campus life as our mascot, the Hawk Owl. In fact, I’ve seen more squirrels here than I’ve ever seen owls. We won’t stand for this cruel genocide.”

 

PETA has not responded to comment upon request. More to come as the story develops.